I don’t know where to start this, but it’s got to start somewhere so I’ll say this, “It’s not fair.”

*Excuse me in advance for the jumping around, I don’t have the clearest of minds. && This isn’t all of it. (Yep, there’s way may cooped up in that head of mine.)*

And to all the people about to start with, “honey, don’t worry you’re a strong girl,” or “you’ll make it through this,” or (my favorite) “you’ll get over it with time,”…. Are you people serious? Get over it? Make it through? Were you dropped on your head when you were an infant? How do you suppose I “get over it” when MY DAD (not some random ass person) was ripped out of my life? It’s like telling someone who’s arm just got chopped off to “get over it” and “don’t worry, you’ll make it through this rough time,” instead of taking them to a doctor… (Alright that didn’t exactly make sense, but then again, I don’t make sense a lot of the time so this shouldn’t be any different.)

Don’t pity me. Plain and simple. Do not think of me as any less or any more. Watch me as I learn and grow from this and then you may judge me for how far I’ve gone.

I wouldn’t be who I am without my dad teaching me and guiding me through life. And my family surviving after this doesn’t worry me (because we have each other and will help one another through this) as much as people forgetting what an amazing person he was and everyone forgetting all the good things and good memories they had with him. I know that I’m just a girl talking about her father who passed away and obviously I’m upset, but it’s so much more than that. He was such a good person, with such a big heart, who’s life got taken away from him, and from us, way too early. He needs to be remembered and cherished and never forgotten.

People ask me “How do you stay so strong?”. Well I’m sorry, what would you like me to do? Sit in my bed sobbing my life away? My dad would have never wanted me to do that, he would have never wanted to see me upset. He always told me “do good in school, be happy, do what you want, and look out for your mom and your sister.” And that’s what I’m doing. I’m doing good in school, because he always made it clear that I had to finish school to still be considered his daughter (jokes). I’m doing what I like and being happy aka eating cookies and lounging on the couch while online shopping. And I look out for my mom and sister by keeping a brave face and telling them everything will be alright. I can’t let them see me upset, my sister looks up to me and it’d be better for her to see me growing from this and becoming stronger than falling apart. And my mom needs someone to lean on and help share the load – you know, I gotta fill a 6’1”, 198 lbs frame.

I’m not heartless, I’m really not. I’m just as upset as the next kid who lost their parent. But I won’t let you see that, not a chance. To give you a reason to pity me? (Remember what I said?) Don’t even think about it. Do I break down and cry? Yeah, almost every other night. When I can’t hold it in any longer I let it out, but until then you’ll be seeing a smirking, smartass little blonde running around.

Which raises my question: “Why? Why him? Why now?” and it always ends with “It’s not fair.” There were so many things he didn’t get to do… And so many things I didn’t get to do with him…

But then again, God always takes his favorite angels back first…

RIP Dad.

The thing is lately I’ve been at a loss for words constantly. I don’t know what to say, what to do, etc. My mind use to be so full of thoughts and now, it’s empty. But then again, no ones mind is ever empty of thoughts and worries. So maybe I’m just skimming over them because I don’t want to deal with them? Yeah sounds about right.

I promise (to myself more than anyone else) that I will get what I’m feeling down in words. No matter how reporters tell my story, it’s not my story unless I tell it.

RIP Dad, I love you and miss you so much.

Loves me some Ian Eastwood & Kenzo Alvares.

YaiSss, theez vidjeeO eez goUd fOur YeeUU. YaiSss…